When I get mad, I hit myself. It’s a behavior that has haunted me for years, a dark secret that I’ve kept hidden from everyone around me. It’s a physical manifestation of my inner turmoil, a way for me to cope with the overwhelming emotions that wash over me during moments of frustration and anger.
The first time I remember doing it was in my early teens. I was sitting in my room, surrounded by the chaos of my life, when a wave of anger swept over me. Without thinking, I reached out and struck my own arm, feeling a sharp sting of pain. It was as if the pain was a release, a way to expel the anger that had built up inside me. I didn’t understand why I was doing it, but I knew it was wrong, and I vowed to stop.
However, the urge to hit myself only grew stronger with time. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, whether it was due to school stress, relationship problems, or just general life pressures, I would resort to self-harm as a way to cope. It became a habit, a reflex, something that I did without even thinking about it. I felt a sense of relief whenever I did it, as if the pain was numbing the pain of my emotions.
But as I got older, I began to realize that self-harm was not the answer. It was only making my problems worse, causing more pain and emotional turmoil. I started to seek help, searching for ways to manage my anger and cope with my emotions in healthier ways. I found therapy, joined support groups, and began to understand the root causes of my behavior.
Through therapy, I learned that my self-harm was a way to cope with trauma from my past. I had experienced a lot of abuse as a child, and those memories were surfacing during times of stress. Hitting myself was a way for me to feel in control, to relive the pain from my past and find a sense of relief. But it was only a temporary fix, and it only led to more pain in the long run.
As I worked through my therapy, I also discovered healthier ways to manage my anger and cope with my emotions. I learned mindfulness techniques, which helped me stay present and not react impulsively to my emotions. I also began to practice yoga and meditation, which helped me to relax and find peace in my mind.
Now, I have a much better understanding of why I used to hit myself, and I have tools in place to manage my anger and emotional pain. I no longer turn to self-harm as a way to cope, and I feel more in control of my life. But it has been a long and challenging journey, and I know that I will continue to work on my emotional health for the rest of my life.
For anyone else who struggles with self-harm or any other form of self-destructive behavior, I want to say that it’s okay to seek help. It’s okay to be vulnerable and admit that you’re struggling. There are many resources available to support you on your journey to healing. And remember, you are not alone in this fight. Reach out, find your support network, and take one step at a time towards a healthier, happier life.
